Learning to listen

Influenced by Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss what Matters Most
by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen, Roger Fisher

Born out of the Harvard Negotiation Project was a study that looked at how people handle difficult conversations — personal or work related. Almost all these moments create stress in some manner. And it is particulary challenging when you are responding to angry customers or frustrated users. So, we try and leverage the approach in order to pay attention to our own feelings (what we really want to tell the customer — after all, we are human) so that we stick to our guiding principle that we are solving for the customer. It is also a useful tool when working with teammates or a manager. The basic premise is to divide a piece a paper into two columns with the right hand column stating what was said or what you think would occur if you had a back and forth discussion with a user. Then in the left hand column write down what you were thinking or feeling (or what you think you would feel) during the conversation. Then step back and thik about what got your to what was written in the left hand column.

Some good questions to ask yourself:

– What was / will be my goal when I respond to a customer
– What assumptions am I making about the other person
– What will be the costs of interacting with that person or user that way (for us, it could be big and start a chain reaction of negative feedback)
– What can I learn from the left hand column

Some areas to consider when engaging with others:  – Understand what happened to the user?
– Understand their emotional state? How frustrated they are, for example?
– Understand exactly what the user is saying and if you get a sense that nothing everything is being shared, then probe.
– If a user says you are useless, don’t loose it — and know that the discussion board or a blog is an opportunity to share ideas, information, etc.
– As Stephen Covey says ‘seek to understand before being understood’

(http://www.franklincovey.com/fc/library_and_resources/article_library/the_seven_habits_of_highly_effective_people/seven_habits_revisited__seven_unique_human_endowments

As Covey points out “The root cause of almost all people problems is the basic communication problem: people do not listen with empathy. They listen from within their autobiography. They lack the skill and attitude of empathy. They need approval; they lack courage. Within their frame of reference, they say, “What can I do to please that person. He has this high need for control. Wait a minute, I’m the manager in control. I didn’t come to listen I came to tell. When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.” The ability to listen first requires restraint, respect, and reverence. And the ability to make yourself understood requires courage and consideration. On the continuum, you go from fight and flight instincts to mature two-way communication where courage is balanced with consideration.”
-Understand that there are limits to the type of assistance you can give a user
-Use inquiry to establish a stronger connection with the user — and also to just get more information from the user so you can help them better.

If a moderator works on engaging users — participants in the community will see this and eventually adopt a more discussion oriented behavior.